Monday, May 12, 2008

Strange fortunes

Several years ago, when I still thought Fantasy/Sci-Fi conventions were good places to sell books, we came up with a promotion to give away fortune cookies stuffed with "alternate" fortunes.

This met with mixed results. About 50% of the recipients laughed; about 40% said "huh?"; and the remaining 10% got mad (including one miscreant who crumpled up the fortune and threw it at us).

Anyway, here they are. See what you think:
Eeewww. You got the fortune cookie that fell on the floor.

You will join a political party headed by Patrick Stewart.

Something awful will happen to you on November 31.

Your clone will become Emperor of Greenland.

People will say you remind them of Lucius Cornelius Sulla.

Never trust anyone named Marvin Backstabber.

Your next saving throw versus petrification will fail.

Your phone number will be in Al Sharpton's rolodex.

Never take a class in javelin catching.

You have a strange fascination with stinging arthropods.

This fortune was meant for someone else.

A Ugandan social servant will send you a big check.

A broken watch is right twice a day—unless it's digital.

sdrawkcab siht gnidaer er'uoY

Your favorite elements are tungsten and boron.

You will not need a brain transplant for at least three months.

Never buy a car made in Portugal.

Your true love is currently married to a 40 ton coelenterate on the planet Gortox.

You will get a thank you card from the IRS.

You know how to play Domjod.

Ill fortune will stalk you like a three-legged platypus.

The next fortune is true. This one is false.

You will buy 36 million lottery tickets and still lose.

You will be the ship's lawyer on Star Trek: Generation X

You secretly root for the daleks.

Never let anyone convince you that you can breathe liquid oxygen.

A law degree will come in handy.

You will start a website called "www.chewbacca-obsession.com"

You will accompany Spock and Bones on an away mission.

You've called the writers of Sesame Street, "a nest of vipers."

Your true love's alignment is chaotic evil.

A mental disorder will be named in your honor.

You will have an exhibit at the Ripley's Believe it or Not Museum.

You will be made fun of on a Simpson's episode.

You will write a letter to your senator demanding that dihydrogen monoxide be removed from the water supply.

Nothing of note will happen to you next Thursday.

Yours will be the first Yeti-related death caught on film.

At least three people will mistakenly call you "Ralph" before the end of the day.

You will become wealthy after responding to a spam email message.

You will become famous playing the part of "Grimace" in the off-Broadway production of Golden Arches.

Beware of clairvoyant confections.

An anime series will be based on your life called "Happy Danger Power Student"

You will become famous making organic meat products out of roadkill.

Barbara Walters will interview you from prison.

You will be Scott Bakula's running mate in 2024.

When the first person sets foot on Mars, you'll be watching re-runs of Ally McBeal.

You'll realize your comic book collection is worth millions exactly one day after your mother throws them all out.

You will receive a nasty paper cut from this fortune.

You will join a religious cult that thinks Dennis Miller is the messiah.

You will be mangled in a horrible weedwacking incident.

You will claim the world record for longest duodenum.

You will be fired from the Windows 2017 project for lack of ignorance.

Your entire future can be summarized in one word: reticulated.

You will utter the word "spirochete" in your State of the Union address.

You will die performing a stunt as Adobe's "Acrobat" mascot.

You will have exactly 8,314 bad hair days, including today.

You will lose proprietary data after accidentally ejecting your hard drive.

Your head will grow another head, and so on.

You will be Wendy Jo Sperber's running mate in 2028.

Your friends will start calling you Tom Bombadil after you read them this fortune.

Mr. Tumnus will eat all your Turkish delight.

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