Thursday, June 14, 2012

Woman Pope elected by rebel Catholic group

Anti-pope Hannah Blima I
In a stunning development, a Facebook conclave of rogue Catholics has elected the first female anti-pope. When the white smoke rose from a pot-belly stove in Mount Holly, New Jersey, it was revealed that the electors had chosen a two-year old woman with red curly hair to be the next pseudo-pontiff. Reportedly assuming the regnal title of Hannah Blima I, the new anti-popess began her reign by throwing a tantrum, after which the Cardinal electors promptly sent her to bed without dessert.

Not questioning the legitimacy of Pope Benedict XVI, who is recognized as a valid Pope, the group called the move a challenge to Michael I, Pius XIII (deceased), Father Guido Sarducci and several other spurious claimants to the bishopric of Rome. "Anti-popes of late have been so lame," an unnamed spokesperson said. "As a result, we declared the seat of the anti-pope vacant and decided to elect our own."

The election was met with rapturous joy on the part of the cardinal electors who had suffered through numerous failed ballots before arriving at a result. "Neque porro quisquam est qui dolorem," declared an exhausted Iohannes Cardinal Rotondos, "Ipsum quia dolor sit amet, consectetur adipisci velit."

Hannah Blima's path to the anti-papacy was not an easy one. She had to overcome challenges from high-powered celebrity opponents such as Yoda, Christopher Robin, Carlo Santa Theresa, and a late surge by perennial omni-candidate, Ron Paul. While Santa Theresa declined his nomination and gallantly threw his support behind Hannah, the Paul camp was bitterly disappointed by the result. "If the media hadn't ignored our candidacy, we certainly would have won," Paul said bitterly in a press release following his defeat.

The election of Hannah Blima I was also greeted with wild enthusiasm by the the embattled Leadership Conference of Women Religious, currently under investigation by the Vatican. "Finally, a pope we can work with!" declared Sister Namaste Labyrinth. "This is a great day for all women, womyn, and wymyn who have been oppressed by the patriarchal intolerance of the gynophobic androcracy that has ruled since they banned Lilith from the Bible."

Rumors abound concerning the ethnic heritage of the pint-sized pontifess with some claiming that she will be under the thumb of a shaddowy figure known as "Yehudis". This has led to further rumors that Hannah Blima I might in fact be Jewish. Her father and press secretary, Claudio Salbatucci was quick to squelch such rumors. "Oy gevalt, I've got NO idea vhat you are talking about. Hannah is no more Jewish than Jackie Mason or Schmuly Boteach. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a little schpilkas."

Despite all the controversy, Hannah Blima I looked calm as she appeared before the public for the first time. "I don't like lettuce," she replied cryptically in response to a reporter's question about the canonical status of the SSPX. Meanwhile detractors such as the clan McWilliams of Pennsauken grumbled quietly about a new schism after their demands for simoniacal appointments were rebuffed.

All present seemed to sense that while Hannah Blima I's reign as poppet will usher in a new age for the fake church, it will be an era acrimony, controversy, and cute little pink flip-flops.

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